Talking about relationships, I think this is the essential reason why people complain that they are not free. We are all puppets and the people who get to hold some of the strings also. We constantly try to control the others, make others to be the one you want them to be, so they satisfy you in some way. As human, we are playing these two roles back and forth every day. You might clean you room for your mom to satisfy her, or you might want your friend to do something for you. This back and forth relationship is the starting point where people are connected with each other. But before we hit the realization of being control by the others, we avoid seeing or not even aware that these strings exist. But once we are tired of it and notice it exists, we leave and soon move on to the others to be control by others again.
This might sound that we are just treating others like tools, and I know we are conscious about this because we constantly avoid doing that. But there are times that relationship between each other can be pure also, which is why we do not see these strings as being control, but as a way to be connected or bond with the others. Your boss might want you to do something for them, and you won’t really feel that they are “controlling” you, but you think that is natural because they are paying you. That is the time when you are aware that you are a puppet, but it did not challenge your self-esteem. But there are relationships like friends or families that you are dealing with the ones that you love. So you will do things for them to make them happy although you might not get the same response back all the time as the boss will pay you every month. However, you don’t complain because of the boundaries that you set up when you are connecting with this person. Therefore, when you get into an argument with your family or friends, is either you cross the boundaries or you sense the others are “over-controlling” you.
As for me, I have a very good relationship with my family except for my father. I used to be very close with all other four family members, but as I grew up, both me and dad distance each other a lot. While saying that I am a person who values family A LOT, more than friends, I do hate them some of the times too. Especially during the time when we are moving over the summer, I just want to leave them and live by myself. But when things get resolve, we went back to be a “happy family”. The very hard times dealing with family is when you know that you can’t leave them no matter what. Even saying some bad things about them, you felt the sense of guilt, because they are part of your family, which means the one who will be connecting with you until the minute you die regardless you live with him/her or not.
In my family, I don’t know why and how I bond with my brother so well. But we are close in a way that I can almost share everything with him except for some privacy. He is a person who felt very strong about respecting others privacy, so the first thing dealing with him, is to respect him and accept his personality of being the way he is. Of course, we always have arguments between each other and stop talking to each other for the shortest, a week, or the longest a month. But we always going back together, which I think is strange but natural because he is part of my family. What is so strange about having good relationship with someone that you have so many fights with, is that the pain stays regardless you forgive him/her or not. I did have a very big fight with my brother before, and I will never forgive him no matter what talking back to that situation even though we are close with each other now and after.
Talking in that manner, relationships are strange to me. He did hurt me internally, and I will never forgive for what he did back then although letting it go might seem to be the answer. However, putting that aside, I like him as a whole, which is why I think we are still close with each other. We can talk about life for a day, and I would say we are so open-minded when we are talking most of times. What is so stupid about this is that we never fight among each other because of ourselves, but the others. Mostly, the fuse to this bomb is his friends. It is always about him protecting his friends, the end of the story. I know this always happen, but I do forgive sometimes. I guess the reason why people sometimes can still stay be close with others is that every person has good qualities, and dealing with relationship is to accept the bad and the good. As for me, I think I can still stay close with him is because we are families, not friends. It is not someone that you can just leave alone, and not deal with. To the most, is hard to find someone who understands you and do feel passionate to talk with you about life, about everything. He is my friend, he is my brother, he is a stranger, and he is my enemy.
I don’t like talking about relationships, because they constantly evolve. Once you write them down, it seems to be so definite which is totally the opposite talking about relationships. You can hate this person at this moment; you say you love him/her the next day. Is always hard to describe relationships because they are so complicated, and is definitely one of my strongest weaknesses – dealing with people. People are always strange in my perspective, I don’t understand what is behind this, and I view human as the most complex living things in the universe ever. While saying sometimes I don’t talk to my brother for certain amount of time when we get into fights, this never happen to me between me and my sister or my mother. Isn’t this strange? All I can think of is that it has to do with people’s personality, and is always hard to change people’s character. In order to keep the relationship, is always about accepting and tolerate the others.
Talking about friendship is the thing that I always have been tried to avoid talking about. Not only had it confused me in a way that I don’t know how to rate the importance of the others, people are always obsess with “best” friends. When I hear people saying “we are best friends”, I avoid accepting this because it felt like they have higher expectations on you, which is what I hate. I never learn this term until I came to the U.S., because ever since I was in China, I just hang out with people, and whoever that I hang out and talk to, I consider them my good friends. But once I came to the U.S., I realize people are so obsess with “best friends”. All the people that I am close to since middle school; always like to play these terms. To be honest, I don’t know what they mean when they say this. But talking about my own experience, whoever labels me as their best friends are sad, because I always end up stepping away and keep a long distance from them. Not getting into personal, but I am super sensitive about this term, and it drives me crazy.
I don’t know if this has to be with my personality or whatever that is, but people who are close to me as friends, always want to “have” me. My friend would make jokes saying she is going to be move to get my attention and my emotional response, and some of my friends would do tones of crazy things to draw my attention. Some would even fight over my other friend, to just “have me” as her friend. To me, I always view friends as a very pure relationship, which are simply the people that you can relate to and having fun with you throughout experiences that we both share. But most of the people that I met are always over the line. They either have expectations from you or they want you to be certain way, this always drives me sick! I used to be a nice and friendly person who makes friends with everybody, but ever since I experience all these craziness about friendships, I turn myself down. I am totally passive about meeting new people now a day, because it takes up so much energy to be others “favorite”.
Why can’t friendships be a little bit simpler? Why can’t good friends be more than two? Ever since I have more than two friends around me, one will get so jealous because of lack of attention. I used to see friends as a pure relationship where bunch of people are caring about each other, and treat others with equal amount of attention. But most of the friendships that I made in the U.S. are totally different. People like to fight you over to win your friend that you did not even intentionally trying to get into the fight to “have” that friend but just having a good relationship with the others, or people like to give you difficult choice whereas you are stuck in the situation of choosing either one. I even met friends who would do crazy things to hurt my other friend. I personally hate friends who create dramas, and most of the ones that I met are like that. Therefore, I am super picky when I pick friends, and I only consider certain people as my “friends”, which I will put them in my category of family. Same to the one that I love, they all fall into my family category, meaning no matter what, we are connected FOREVER.
Sharing some of the experience about friends, I am very curious about the definition of friends. Not only it is my weakness, I want to understand this more so I can form better relationships with the others. Can we put friends as our family members? So in that way no matter what, we will always learn how to accept each other’s good/bad without escape? Another benefit of putting your friend into the family category is that you need to follow the rule that “you need to be with them no matter what”, meaning there’s no exit in this relationship. You need to learn how to deal with the others, and they will always stick with you. But as friends or lovers, one thing that is better than family is that you get to choose, and you get to leave them if you don’t like them. Which it raised up a complex question: should we only keep the same boundary for all people so we don’t have to play these little games in relationships?
Talking about other people, as I said it is strange. I might rate someone that I don’t even know as more important than some of my friends. The one that are close to you might not be the most important person, and the one that are far away from you might be the one that you can relate to the most. So my question is, how do we rate the others? Do we rate them because they are important to you in a way that they ease tour life? Should we rate them because they make you happier than the others? Should we rate them in terms of your own benefit or advantage? HOW SHOULD WE RATE OTHER PEOPLE’S IMPORTANCE?
This might sound that we are just treating others like tools, and I know we are conscious about this because we constantly avoid doing that. But there are times that relationship between each other can be pure also, which is why we do not see these strings as being control, but as a way to be connected or bond with the others. Your boss might want you to do something for them, and you won’t really feel that they are “controlling” you, but you think that is natural because they are paying you. That is the time when you are aware that you are a puppet, but it did not challenge your self-esteem. But there are relationships like friends or families that you are dealing with the ones that you love. So you will do things for them to make them happy although you might not get the same response back all the time as the boss will pay you every month. However, you don’t complain because of the boundaries that you set up when you are connecting with this person. Therefore, when you get into an argument with your family or friends, is either you cross the boundaries or you sense the others are “over-controlling” you.
As for me, I have a very good relationship with my family except for my father. I used to be very close with all other four family members, but as I grew up, both me and dad distance each other a lot. While saying that I am a person who values family A LOT, more than friends, I do hate them some of the times too. Especially during the time when we are moving over the summer, I just want to leave them and live by myself. But when things get resolve, we went back to be a “happy family”. The very hard times dealing with family is when you know that you can’t leave them no matter what. Even saying some bad things about them, you felt the sense of guilt, because they are part of your family, which means the one who will be connecting with you until the minute you die regardless you live with him/her or not.
In my family, I don’t know why and how I bond with my brother so well. But we are close in a way that I can almost share everything with him except for some privacy. He is a person who felt very strong about respecting others privacy, so the first thing dealing with him, is to respect him and accept his personality of being the way he is. Of course, we always have arguments between each other and stop talking to each other for the shortest, a week, or the longest a month. But we always going back together, which I think is strange but natural because he is part of my family. What is so strange about having good relationship with someone that you have so many fights with, is that the pain stays regardless you forgive him/her or not. I did have a very big fight with my brother before, and I will never forgive him no matter what talking back to that situation even though we are close with each other now and after.
Talking in that manner, relationships are strange to me. He did hurt me internally, and I will never forgive for what he did back then although letting it go might seem to be the answer. However, putting that aside, I like him as a whole, which is why I think we are still close with each other. We can talk about life for a day, and I would say we are so open-minded when we are talking most of times. What is so stupid about this is that we never fight among each other because of ourselves, but the others. Mostly, the fuse to this bomb is his friends. It is always about him protecting his friends, the end of the story. I know this always happen, but I do forgive sometimes. I guess the reason why people sometimes can still stay be close with others is that every person has good qualities, and dealing with relationship is to accept the bad and the good. As for me, I think I can still stay close with him is because we are families, not friends. It is not someone that you can just leave alone, and not deal with. To the most, is hard to find someone who understands you and do feel passionate to talk with you about life, about everything. He is my friend, he is my brother, he is a stranger, and he is my enemy.
I don’t like talking about relationships, because they constantly evolve. Once you write them down, it seems to be so definite which is totally the opposite talking about relationships. You can hate this person at this moment; you say you love him/her the next day. Is always hard to describe relationships because they are so complicated, and is definitely one of my strongest weaknesses – dealing with people. People are always strange in my perspective, I don’t understand what is behind this, and I view human as the most complex living things in the universe ever. While saying sometimes I don’t talk to my brother for certain amount of time when we get into fights, this never happen to me between me and my sister or my mother. Isn’t this strange? All I can think of is that it has to do with people’s personality, and is always hard to change people’s character. In order to keep the relationship, is always about accepting and tolerate the others.
Talking about friendship is the thing that I always have been tried to avoid talking about. Not only had it confused me in a way that I don’t know how to rate the importance of the others, people are always obsess with “best” friends. When I hear people saying “we are best friends”, I avoid accepting this because it felt like they have higher expectations on you, which is what I hate. I never learn this term until I came to the U.S., because ever since I was in China, I just hang out with people, and whoever that I hang out and talk to, I consider them my good friends. But once I came to the U.S., I realize people are so obsess with “best friends”. All the people that I am close to since middle school; always like to play these terms. To be honest, I don’t know what they mean when they say this. But talking about my own experience, whoever labels me as their best friends are sad, because I always end up stepping away and keep a long distance from them. Not getting into personal, but I am super sensitive about this term, and it drives me crazy.
I don’t know if this has to be with my personality or whatever that is, but people who are close to me as friends, always want to “have” me. My friend would make jokes saying she is going to be move to get my attention and my emotional response, and some of my friends would do tones of crazy things to draw my attention. Some would even fight over my other friend, to just “have me” as her friend. To me, I always view friends as a very pure relationship, which are simply the people that you can relate to and having fun with you throughout experiences that we both share. But most of the people that I met are always over the line. They either have expectations from you or they want you to be certain way, this always drives me sick! I used to be a nice and friendly person who makes friends with everybody, but ever since I experience all these craziness about friendships, I turn myself down. I am totally passive about meeting new people now a day, because it takes up so much energy to be others “favorite”.
Why can’t friendships be a little bit simpler? Why can’t good friends be more than two? Ever since I have more than two friends around me, one will get so jealous because of lack of attention. I used to see friends as a pure relationship where bunch of people are caring about each other, and treat others with equal amount of attention. But most of the friendships that I made in the U.S. are totally different. People like to fight you over to win your friend that you did not even intentionally trying to get into the fight to “have” that friend but just having a good relationship with the others, or people like to give you difficult choice whereas you are stuck in the situation of choosing either one. I even met friends who would do crazy things to hurt my other friend. I personally hate friends who create dramas, and most of the ones that I met are like that. Therefore, I am super picky when I pick friends, and I only consider certain people as my “friends”, which I will put them in my category of family. Same to the one that I love, they all fall into my family category, meaning no matter what, we are connected FOREVER.
Sharing some of the experience about friends, I am very curious about the definition of friends. Not only it is my weakness, I want to understand this more so I can form better relationships with the others. Can we put friends as our family members? So in that way no matter what, we will always learn how to accept each other’s good/bad without escape? Another benefit of putting your friend into the family category is that you need to follow the rule that “you need to be with them no matter what”, meaning there’s no exit in this relationship. You need to learn how to deal with the others, and they will always stick with you. But as friends or lovers, one thing that is better than family is that you get to choose, and you get to leave them if you don’t like them. Which it raised up a complex question: should we only keep the same boundary for all people so we don’t have to play these little games in relationships?
Talking about other people, as I said it is strange. I might rate someone that I don’t even know as more important than some of my friends. The one that are close to you might not be the most important person, and the one that are far away from you might be the one that you can relate to the most. So my question is, how do we rate the others? Do we rate them because they are important to you in a way that they ease tour life? Should we rate them because they make you happier than the others? Should we rate them in terms of your own benefit or advantage? HOW SHOULD WE RATE OTHER PEOPLE’S IMPORTANCE?
We leave someone because we don't want to be control, but yet, we move on to look for someone else to control us. Why's that?
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