To Richard,
Thesis (Main Idea):
Everybody act cool through a performance depending on their own perception of the world, nevertheless, each individual has their own way to achieve the sense of coolness to make their lives worthwhile.
(This is my 1st attempt trying to sharpen your main idea/thesis; I am not sure what you mean by the “same technique, but own methods”. So I replace technique as performance, and method as roles that people play.)
Every individual as criminals in the society often tempt to achieve cool through a set of performance in a limited circumstance. However, each person does it differently and only act to their group (box) that they belong to get this sense of importance through their role of being (acting) cool.
(I am sorry, if this is this is not what you are trying to say in your paper)
Main Idea of the paper:
Throughout the whole paper, you are using a typical example of a person name Capone who was in a gang at first, then became a celebrity who is cool even though he has done many things that are illegal to achieve that. His method to be cool was simply to conform, to offer what others want so others will like him. “I am just a businessman, giving the people what they want” and “All I do is satisfy a public demand.” This quote that you used really sums up and answered your EQ how a person achieves cool through their own perspective. Other example was the “happy face killer” that you used. Both have to go through a heroic journey to achieve cool which reflects their self values in the “criminal/heroic box” that they are in. This reminds me of what Andy S. said earlier in class that in order for a person to be cool externally, it to get approval by the others and they have to go through certain obstacles to achieve the coolness of being a hero.
*Organization, please separate the paragraphs and leave a space between paragraphs with a small title due to readability, maybe shorten the paragraphs also
*I think you should either fix your question to just focus on criminals instead of saying “a person” OR you should add more examples of different people playing their roles to be cool through the same technique, performing.
*have some personal connections in this paper will make your paper more appealing other than just having a retell of how criminals achieve cool in their own perspective
*your thesis is kind of vague, sharpen it, make it more direct and obvious to the readers what you are trying to argue throughout the paper, maybe connect back to it also for each paragraph to remind the reader
*expand the part where you say ideas of cool sometimes are not determine by culture, which conflicts with your paper, but you can expand it and make it alternative view points of your paper
*you should consider andy’s suggestion, because it really adds on to the significant part of your paper. If you explain “what influence their [these people] own perspective, it makes more sense to the reader why people want to be cool, and what their culture has influence them what to value. (The hair reading saying “the shame in one culture is glory in another”, I think by exploring why a person does certain act will make the paper better other than retelling what a person does to be cool)
*since you used outside source, cited it
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To John,
Thesis: Cool is all about playing roles and how well you play. However, people who used mask that the corporations offer to perform the coolness are just fools who think they are the unique one while everybody has the same cool mask.
(1st attempt)
Thesis: People are constantly playing roles depending on the scenes they are in to achieve coolness. But people who mistaken the definition of cool and buy masks to get the sense of unique are just the same as the others who consume to the mask corporations, meaning not cool due to the similarities.
Okay, I give up. Sorry that they are bad thesis. My perspective: aren’t a role is the same as a mask? By saying people trying so hard to put up the mask, to me is the same as trying hard to play the role. Role=Mask. We constantly playing different roles not necessary all the roles are the ones that we want to be, and consider cool. “If we realize that we’re playing roles we can stop trying so damn hard to keep up the mask” reveals your point of saying there are true self and people who put mask are fake. Is it possible to take off the mask?
Main Idea: The roles that we play came from our cultural maps, like different tribes that we are born in, and being given certain identities to be that role. We constantly want to be cool because we all want to be “heroes” and the “main character” in our own individual story to feel important. But as time went by, the corporation “hunt down the cool pose” and starts to sell masks to the next generation to become cool. Since all these masks are cool, we trick ourselves and thought that we are unique while the majorities are consumers of the mask corporations. By realizing that we are all just playing roles on the stage like actors, we will not try so hard to put on the mask to be cool. Your paper brings up an interesting point between roles and masks. But like what Goffman claimed, we are all just actors on the stage performing to the audience. If using the mask is one role to play, I don’t see the difficulties of putting the mask since we all get used to playing so many roles.
*maybe you can differentiate mask vs. roles (is a big confusion to me since I think they are the same)
*personal connection
*subtitles for paragraphs
*tie back to your thesis
*there are some paragraphs that are interesting to read, but not relevant as a whole throughout your paper, maybe deepen your point for each paragraphs to reveal that you are arguing the same point
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