Richard,
I think you have to make your thesis stronger, and I don’t really see what you are arguing. Perhaps, clarify on what you are arguing more in your thesis, other than just saying it helps people to prepare for the future. It sounds more like significance than an argument. (I am guessing you are agreeing with “Everything Is Bad For Us” reading in your big paper?)
I think your argument 1 is weak and it doesn’t seem to connect to your thesis. You are arguing how electronic representations help people to prepare for their future, but you mostly focused on games. I think the term “electronic representations” might be too vague for you to use in this paper, because you did not cover all the different types of devices that we have such as cell phones, television, iPod…etc. Additionally, maybe for evidence, specify one game that does help people’s growth and future. Also, deepen the point why different point of view presented by CP is important and helpful? In other words, why realizing will help us in the future? Lastly for your 1st argument, when you said games are so real, what do you mean by real? In class, we said that the DRD is a representational device that represents the reality. Thus, we are not fully experiencing the full reality of everything, but just a representation of it by cell phones, iPods, video games…etc. I think you should clarify on what you mean by “real”. In my opinion, I don’t see how your argument connects to your thesis, you did not mentioned anything about the future, either expected or unexpected.
I think your second argument seem pretty good, it does connect to your thesis more compare to your first argument. You are saying how people can experience things through video games first before actually experience it in the real world. I do see how this will help people in the future, because they have picture, sounds, something that people can actually visual and imagine in their mind how it looks like. So they can sort of picture how it will be. However, I think by saying that, you are arguing the real world is very similar to the digital world (just slightly different), which I think they are completely different.
I think your third argument is pretty good also. You are saying how televisions and movies are one of the sources that provide us hints and tips in real life. So when we face certain situations that we see in daily life, we can use it as a helpful tip to solve the problems that we find it difficult to solve. Also it provides a different perspective to people, so they know the consequences of making certain decisions. I think this argument is definitely arguable, but keep in mind that by doing this, it doesn’t fully help us in the future. Because I can simply argue that by taking these advices that the television, we, as individual, do not or never get the chance to learn how to think for ourselves. Additionally, television doesn’t always provide us all the situations that we face in the future, how will this actually help us? Wouldn’t it make it worst for us in the future?
To sum up the main points that you should revise:
- Argument 1 (clarify)
- Thesis (vague by using the term “electronic representations” when you only cover video games, television in the paper. If you think about it, how can cell phone (electronic representation) help us in the future?)
I hope this help! Good luck on your paper.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dinorah,
I was looking at your thesis, and I think it could have been stronger. But first of all, I think you should scratch out the word “technology”, because I don’t think it is what the paper should be focusing on. Andy’s unit is really just focusing on “digital representational devices (DRD)”. But I guess you don’t intended to use that term. Anyway, in your thesis, when you are arguing that these DRDs have lessened our ability to build relationships, I think you should clarify that a little bit more. Because, aren’t people building relationships way better online? More friends? Contact more? Also, I’m not sure is you last part of the thesis is trying to be sarcastic or not, because it seems it contradicts with your thesis.
I think your first argument did somewhat support your thesis, but not fully. Again, I think people are still interacting and building relationships with the others, but not physically. So I guess you should specify that to make your argument stronger. I do agree these DRDs are a way for people to escape from reality or even to talk about it most of the time. But without these DRDs, face to face, I don’t think people usually bring this type of conversation also. I do think many people refused to think, not really the DRDs are in the way of making people not to talk about reality. If people are willing to talk about it, aren’t chatting online will make the conversation less awkward? The example seems okay and helpful if you deepen the argument a little bit more. Specify a little more also.
For argument 2, I don’t think it is supportive to your thesis related to communication and relationships. I think you are on the right track, but the argument is too vague. Based on your examples, I think I do know where you are trying to get to, but not specific enough.
I think your third argument is completely the opposite of your thesis. At first you are saying how it caused people to lessen the ability to build relationships, but now you said there are advantages.
Lastly, the significance and conclusion looks fine, you are on the right track to me.
Hope this is helpful! Good luck on your paper.
Bao Lin
No comments:
Post a Comment